


I Can't Live Without You (IwaOi)

by sinisterspooks



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Completed, Crying, Death, Depression, Gay, Graphic Description, M/M, Mental Illness, Paranoia, Self Harm, Slight fluff, Suicide, Trigger Warning: Self Harm/Suicide, depressed oikawa, mental health
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-15
Updated: 2017-08-25
Packaged: 2018-12-15 16:20:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,896
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11809683
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sinisterspooks/pseuds/sinisterspooks
Summary: "Please don't say you love me... because i'll always say it back"Oikawa struggles with depression and suicidal thoughts, but with Iwaizumi's help he was getting better.Key word: was...Now Iwaizumi has been leaving early in the morning and not coming back until late in the night and Oikawa is beginning to break.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> my writing is bad ???

Oikawa's life was going pretty well considering all he went through. He took pills which helped with the voices in his head, Iwaizumi was his boyfriend and loved him with all his heart and he lived a rather peaceful life of working at a coffee shop down the road. He was getting better. 

Key word:  _was..._

Oikawa had a suspicion something was up with Iwaizumi, he had been coming home later than usual and leaving earlier in the morning. They had barely anytime together anymore, it had been weeks since they snuggled together on the sofa watching episode after episode of the walking dead. There were weeks of unused pills collecting dusk in the bathroom cabinet which Iwaizumi seemed to ignore. It had  gotten to the point where he didn't even notice that Oikawa wasn't taking his pills, despite all of his mood swings and sleepless nights. Those pills were the things keeping Oikawa together, that and Iwaizumi of course. 

 

* * *

 

 

More weeks had passed; each day more mentally draining than the next. Oikawa woke to a lack of a body next to him as per usual and  continued his day without the man he loved as per usual. Other than the mental break downs all went okay. Well that's what he told himself anyways. When nightfall came he decided he would sit on the stairs opposite the front door and wait for Iwaizumi. He sat there for hours doing nothing but stare blankly at the wooden door. He checked the time knowing Iwaizumi was usually home by midnight. It was 3:46am. The realisation that he was 4 hours late home sent Oikawa's mind into chaos. 

_Why isn't he here yet? He's never this late? Where could he be? Is he with another guy? Is he cheating on me?_

Oikawa was now pacing up and down the hallway trying to calm the insame thoughts going through his mind. Just before he could turn ready to pace back down the hallway he heard the click of the lock being turned. The door opened and Iwaizumi jumped at the sight of Oikawa standing right in front of him. 

"Tooru, What the hell is wrong with you? Why aren't you asleep?"  Oikawa couldn't tell whether this was genuine concern or just the fake emotions Iwaizumi has been giving him for the past few months. 

"The hell is wrong with me? With ME?! What the hell is wrong with you? Why have you been coming home so late?" He glared at the shorter man, anger beginning to fuel up inside of him. "I haven't seen you in weeks. You're never home anymore. We haven't even talked in days."

"I know I ju-" 

"No! You don't know! You haven't been here enough to even notice that i'm not okay. I assume you didn't realise but there weeks worth of pills sat on our bedside table. Every day you put 3 pills there, how have you not noticed that there's still 3 there when you put more down? or have you noticed and just not cared?" Weeks worth of anger and questions were coming out at once. 

"Why haven't you been taking your pills? Tooru?" Iwaizumi gave Oikawa a concerned look and placed his hand on his shoulder.

"I asked you a question."

"I..." He didn't know what to say. How did he not notice? "I don't know. I never took any notice my job was to put the pills there, that's all." He regretted saying it the moment it slipped from his mouth, he knew Oikawa would take it the wrong way. And that he did. 

"That's all? THATS ALL?! So you weren't with me to love me and be my boyfriend? Nooo you were just here to give me my pills. Oh i'm sorry your ONLY reason to be here was to give me pills" Sarcasm dripped from his lips. The anger inside of him was disappearing as he stared into Iwaizumi's eyes, realised how tired he was. How tired they both were. 

"You know that's not what i meant. I love you Tooru. That's why i'm here." Oikawa scoffed.  _Is this what he called being here?_ Iwaizumi slid his hand down from Oikawa's shoulder to his bicep, placing his other hand on Oikawa's other arm. "Tooru, you know i'm here for you. Im sorry i've not been around much recently, i'll explain everything tomorrow. Let's just go in the living room and watch some TV to calm down. Okay?" Oikawa was about to begin shouting, his emotions ready to pour out but instead he nodded. He was always a push over with Iwaizumi, he could say anything and Oikawa would agree no matter what. And in all honesty he knew it was too late, or well too early in the morning, to keep questioning him. He decided this would continue tomorrow once they've both slept. Iwazumi gently slid his hand down into to Oikawa's hand and guided him to the living room. He sat down on the sofa and pulled Oikawa down on to his lap and cradled the large boy like a child. 

"Oikawa I love you okay? I'll take the day off tomorrow to explain everything. I promise" He reached down and planted a kiss on top of Oikawa's head. "Just try go to sleep." He ran his fingers through Oikawa's hair and down his back until he heard the boys faint snore. He reached over, trying not to wake him, and grabbed the blanket placing it over both their bodies. 

This was the best Oikawa had slept in ages. He missed having Iwaizumi's loving touch. He missed the feeling of his heart beating against his cheek as he rests his face on Iwaizumi's muscular chest. He missed everything about Iwaizumi. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im sorry for all the spelling mistakes/missing letters in words :/

Oikawa woke, again missing the man's body he slept against.  _Where is he? He promised he'd be here._ Before the thoughts could become any more worrisome, a tired eyed Iwaizumi came into view. 

"How ya' doing sleepy head?" Oikawa mumbled a response whilst stretching out his back. "Here's your coffee" Iwaizumi passed him an alien head shaped mug filled to the brim with boiling hot coffee. They both sat in silence waiting for someone to begin the conversation of why Iwaizumi hasn't been around much anymore; the silence only broken when each man sipped they coffee. The uncomfortable atmosphere only grew once they both finished their drinks. Iwaizumi having lost the single distraction he had from the upcoming conversation began to fiddle his fingers together. Plucking up the courage he took a slow, long breath. "So... um... i can explain... kind of?" Oikawa looked up, rubbing his slightly sore neck from having his head anxiously facing towards the ground for so long. 

"What do you mean kind of? You promised me you'd explain?" 

"I know... I just- Its complicated and I can't tell you all of it." Oikawa's facial expression changed from nervous to confused in a matter of seconds. "I know I can trust you, and you deserve a full explanation but-"

"Hajime what the hell are you on about? If you've been cheating on me just say it"

"Woah- No, no I haven't been cheating on you" For a reason Iwaizumi couldn't tell, this only made Oikawa more mad. 

"Oh so you're not cheating on me, you're just coming home really late in the night with no explanation?"

"I have an explanation, I just can't tell you it" Oikawa didn't reply. You could easily see the frustration on his face as he frowned. His eyes darting around seemingly looking for the answer he needed.  _What is he hiding? Why can't he tell me? I thought we could trust each other with everything._ Oikawa couldn't even create a question or answer in his mind, his thoughts taking over. "I know this doesn't sound right, I wish I could tell you." Minutes were passing by as that uncomfortable silence was slowly creeping back into to the atmosphere. "Tooru please say something." Oikawa followed his boyfriend's request and fathomed enough control over his mind to ask a single question.

"Did you ever really love me?" Iwaizumi looked shocked. He didn't think Oikawa even had to question it. 

"Yes! oh my god yes! Tooru i love you, i still love you. And that's why this is so hard to do." He slid across the sofa so the two's knees were touching. Iwaizumi reached out placing his hand on Oikawa's arm. "Tooru, I promise there has not be a day in my life that hasn't been filled with thinking about you, that's why i have to do this." He pulled Oikawa into a soft kiss, trying to convince him. Iwaizumi got nothing back. No passion. No emotion. No love. Oikawa cut off what you couldn't even call a kiss by pulling away. This was the first time Iwaizumi felt unrequited love from his boyfriend. 

"Stop dragging this on and tell me what's  _so difficult_ that you so obviously have to do?" Cold. That's the only word Iwaizumi could describe Oikawa at this point. There was no emotion in the usually cheery boy but anger. He'd never had Oikawa be like this before. He'd never cut off a kiss like that. 

"I... I have to leave." Oikawa still staring at the same spot he was at the begginging spoke in a cold expressionless voice. 

"Go where?"

"I can't tell you."

"Why are you leaving?"  _Am i not enough for you?_ Is what Oikawa wanted to say. 

"again... I can't say." The cold emotionless state Oikawa was in had changed. That state was just a cover for the anger inside of him. But it all became too much; the cover broke, letting all his frustration and anger out.  

"You can't say?! YOU CANT SAY?! You can't tell your BOYFRIEND why you're suddenly leaving?" Oikawa stood up, hand shaking and slowly walked to the kitchen. The slow calmness contrasting with his pure anger sent shivers down Iwaizumi's spine. He'd never been this angery before. 

Iwaizumi stayed sat on the sofa, listening to Oikawa's sobs in the kitchen. He honestly didn't know whether Oikawa wanted him to comfort him or stay away. Hearing him cry like that made Iwaizumi just want to go to him and hug him, but he thought he shouldn't. Not whilst he's this bad. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oho angst levels will rise in the next chapter :)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oho im sorry this took so long to come out i've been really ill recently,, but it's 1am and time to get angsty

Oikawa cried. He cried because that's all he could do. He cried because thats all the thoughts let him do. They had took control, he knew it; he just didn't have the energy or motivation to fight back. Not anymore, not when Iwaizumi is leaving. Not when the only thing holding him together is leaving. He sat at the kitchen table for what felt like hours filling the once uncomfortable silence with sobs of pure pain. Iwaizumi didn't know which was worse. At least with the silence he didn't know how bad Oikawa felt. He didn't mean for it to go like this, he never wanted to hurt him. And yet he was waiting outside the kitchen door trying to muster up the courage to go help his boyfriend. He pressed his head against the door, waiting there for only a second before wrapping his fingers around the icy cold handle. 

"Tooru..." He slowly opened the door. "Tooru, please... I-I'm so sorry" He stopped in the doorway, not wanting to push his luck. Just being able to be in the same room as Oikawa made him feel like there was at least something he could do. But his senses came back to him, Iwaizumi knew he couldn't stay here for much longer. All he was doing was breaking Oikawa more and more. Yet he couldn't pick himself up to leave. He loved him. He loved him so much. Thats what made it harder. If only he didn't love him. If only the way Oikawa smiles at him and only him didn't make his heart flutter. If only Oikawa's hazel brown eyes staring into his soul send shivers down his spine. If only... If only they never met.  _no... NO._ As selfish as it is, Iwaizumi would rather hurt Oikawa than never have known him. All the memories they made together, the good and the bad, they were all worth it. Every. Single. One. 

"Tooru... please say something. Im so sorry. Im so so sorry. I never meant it to be like this."

Oikawa removed his tear soaked sleeves from his eyes and stared straight at Iwaizumi. He was no longer mad. That phase had passed. Now it was just pain. Heartbreak. Sadness. All the emotions that broke him the last time. The cold emotionless man he was half an hour changed into a man pleading like his life depended on it. Which, in a way, it did. 

"Don't go! Please! Hajime please! You're the only thing keeping me together. You're all i have. Please Hajime, i can't do this without you! Please... Please!" Oikawa's words became a jumble of begs and cries; tears streaming down his cheeks like a waterfall. He was a mess. "Hajime, I love you! I love you, please! That must mean something to you? It must change something?! Please! I love you!"

"Tooru, please don't say you love me... because i'll always say it back. But you deserve better"

Iwaizumi's eyes glistened as pools of liquid pain formed in his eyes. He knew why he had to do this. He knew it was for the best. But that didn't make it hurt any less.  _This is for the better right? He's better off without me._

"Better off without you? Without you? I'm nothing" Oikawa stood up from his chair and stumbled over to Iwaizumi. His legs began to buckle from the overpowering pain in heart, weakening his whole body. Iwaizumi lunged forward catching the fragile boy before he fell to the floor. Oikawa reached out a shaky hand and gripped onto Iwaizumi's shirt and buried his face in the smaller boys chest. 

"Hajime why? Ple-" His sentence cut short as the next wave of tears struck him. Iwaizumi pulled him closer. 

"I know this isn't what you wanted to hear. But im sorry, i have to go. I just- I just have to leave"

The seemingly common silent atmosphere filled the room again, only disturbed by the muffled sobs. Iwaizumi didn't know whether to break the silence and tell him everything or wait for Oikawa to speak. He wanted to tell him everything. But he knew it would compromise everything. So he waited. Ten minutes had passed and they were still in the same position; Oikawa curled up in Iwaizumi's arms, holding as much of each other as they could. 

"Is it me?" Those hazel brown eyes Iwaizumi fell in love with stared into his soul as the question rang throughout his mind. Before he even got the chance to tell Oikawa it could never be his fault a significantly louder voice stopped him. "It is me. Its always my fault. I don't know what i did, but i must have done something. You wouldn't leave for no reason?" Oikawa broke away from Iwaizumi's hold and took a step back from him keeping eye contact. "I don't deserve you. I don't deserve anything. I don't deserve to live. No, how could i ever think i deserved you? Im sorry. Im so sorry. Im sorry i'm not good enough." 

Iwaizumi knew what was happening. He was spiralling again. The last time this happened Oikawa was admitted to hospital after throwing himself off a bridge. He would have been dead if it weren't for the fishing boat floating nearby. The fisherman dived in and pulled Oikawa out of the water. He was left with minor injuries and a few broken bones. After that the doctors put him on some pills which had been helping. He had some emergency pills if anything got as bad as it was before. But they were upstairs. He couldn't leave Oikawa not when he was like this. And trying to convince him to come upstairs would be about as impossible as it would be to try calm him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im dragging this on so much oops~ but hey are you guys enjoying it? it'll be finsihed soon??


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> god my writing is so bad??? im sorry ???

Oikawa paced around the kitchen mumbling to himself. Iwaizumi couldn't catch much of what he said other than "it's all my fault" and "i'm sorry" repeated over and over again. He tried to reassure him that it wasn't his fault but it was no use. Iwaizumi might as well as not been there. Oikawa took no notice of him anymore, not even replying to anything he said. No matter what he tried to do Oikawa answered with more pacing and more mumbles. 

"Oikawa!" Iwaizumi grabbed onto his hand trying to stop him pacing. But again it was no use. He just pulled his hand away and continued. "Oikawa! Please!" Iwaizumi tried and tried but nothing could get through to him. The thoughts had fully taken over. It was like there was a two way mirror between them; all Iwaizumi could see was his boyfriend falling apart but he couldn't do anything about it. Whilst all Oikawa could see was himself, all his insecurities, all the the reasons he thought made him worthless. This wasn't Oikawa anymore. There was no sane mind inside this fragile boy. His mind was nothing but a chaotic, painful mess of the worst thoughts anyone could ever have. If he didn't do something he'd lose Oikawa. Who was he kidding he already lost him. The moment he said he has to leave instantly put a solid brick wall between them. "Tooru! For gods sake! Listen to me!" Iwaizumi shouted for his attention. This broke the tall boy out of his spiralling trance for a second. Iwaizumi leaped towards him, grabbing his arm and pulling him to a hug. He wrapped his large arms around Oikawa, trying to give him comfort. Protection. Love. Quite frankly he just wanted to give Oikawa any kind of positive emotion. Anything to help. "Tooru, listen to me. It is not your fault. It was never your fault. It will never be your fault. Tooru, you need to snap out of this. Take your pills. They'll help i promise." Oikawa switched his eye contact from Iwaizumi's dark brown eyes to the kitchen draws. The comforting voice drowned out by his thoughts. Nothing could bring him back from this. 

"There's only one thing i can do now. Now that you're gone." Oikawa pushed Iwaizumi's arms off him. He slowly began walking backwards. "I saw this day coming. The day you would realise i'm worthless. The day you'd admit you didn't really love me. How it was all just pity for the sad boy." He stepped back so he was pressed up against the counter. He began to cry once more, his eyes sore from the unimaginable amount of tears he'd let go off that night. He reached his arm back behind his back. His fingers tapping along the marble edge feeling for what he needed. For what he wanted. He breathed in as he felt the slender plastic handle. Oikawa wrapped his finger against the cold plastic and pulled the knife from its wooden block holder. He slowly pulled it into Iwaizumi's view, holding the knife to his own throat. The moment the knife came into view Iwaizumi lurched forwards reaching out to grab the knife. Only stopping when Oikawa turned the knife onto him. "Stay back Hajime, we both know i have to do this" He took a step back. Oikawa was unstable and Iwaizumi didn't know what he was capable of doing. 

"Tooru... put the knife back... you don't have to do this" He slowly backed away from Oikawa. "How about you put the knife away and i'll go get your pills? Tooru, just put the knife down... Please!" 

Oikawa stood there staring. He didn't move a muscle, the knife still pointed in Iwaizumi's direction. "My pills? My pills?! You think all of this can be fixed by some chemicals? Im not broken! I don't need to be fixed! Is that what you think of me? That im just this worthless broken thing?"

"You know i don't think that, now please put the knife down" 

Oikawa stopped crying. His voice stopped shaking. In a split second he was no longer a complete mess. He was calm. Not the cozying up with a book by a warm fire kind of calm. Oh no this calm was the scary kind. The kind that initiates your fight or flight response. The type of calm that tells you to run. But Iwaizumi didn't run.

"Tooru, this is all my fault, please don't take this out on yourself. Just put the knife away, you don't want to hurt anyone"

"You're right i don't want to hurt anyone, but i have to."

"No you don't! Please Tooru just put down the knife, i'll go get your pills and we can sit down and talk"

"Hajime, i don't think i can. The voice wont let me. They've took control."

"Fight them! Fight them for me Tooru! You can do it, you're in control of yourself not them" Iwaizumi, feeling less like he will get stabbed, took a step towards Oikawa. "Come on Tooru, put the knife down on the counter."

Oikawa's hands were shaking enough to make it seem difficult to keep a grip on the knife. He stared down at it, willing his hands to release its grip. He slowly turned around, fighting his own arm for power. Iwaizumi took another step closer, still weary of his boyfriend. He waited and watched as Oikawa fought for control. He heard the metal chime as it dropped onto the table. Soon enough Oikawa followed dropping onto the floor. Iwaizumi rushed forwards missing the catch but crouching down to be beside him.

"You did it Tooru! You're safe now baby, i love you." Oikawa curled up into his boyfriends arms. They sat on the cold kitchen floor curled up in each other in complete silence. Their raised heart beats and hitched breaths being the only noise. "Are you okay now? I mean are you safe enough for me to go get your pills?" Oikawa nodded slowly whilst he unravelled himself. Iwaizumi lifted the taller boy up sitting him down on the dining chairs. "Just stay there, okay? I'll just be a second" He got up, placing a kiss on Oikawa's cheek. "I love you Tooru"

"I love you too" 

Iwaizumi practically ran upstairs to the bathroom. His fingers fumbling with the lock on the bathroom cabinet. He put in the code grabbed the pills and rushed back downstairs. 

Once Iwaizumi left Oikawa slowly stood up from the table. His legs shaking. He once again walked over to the counter and took the knife once more.  _This time he can't stop me. He's gone now. Do it! Pick up the knife. Slit your wrists. Slit you throat. Stab it through your heart. Do whatever it take to kill you. To save you from this life._ ~~~~His grip tightened. He shakily held the knife up angling towards his wrist. _Just do it. Slit your wrist. Iwaizumi would want you to do it._

"Iwaizumi would want me to do this" He repeated those words over and over in his mind. Convincing himself that his life was worthless. He heard footsteps coming down the stairs.  _You have to do it now! Before it's too late!_ Iwaizumi ran around the corridor just as Oikawa plunged the knife into his wrist, dragging the blade through as many veins as he could. 

"TOORU!"

Oikawa turned around staring at his boyfriend with faint, pitiful smile on his face. 

"I'm sorry Hajime" His legs were too weak to hold him up, the loss of blood beginning to take effect. His eyesight became blurry. Everything began to spin. A loud ringing blocked out every word from Iwaizumi. His legs collasped, dropping him into Iwaizumi's arms. He looked up into the dark brown tear filled eyes of his boyfriend, blood pouring from his wrist. "I love you Hajime... I'm sorry" His hazel eyes were closing, the life was being drained from him. 

"No! Tooru, stay with me! I'll get you to a hospital, just stay awake!" 

Iwaizumi tried everything he could to keep him awake but it was too late. He was gone. Iwaizumi tears dropping onto the dead boys body. He grabbed the lifeless body and pulled him into a desperate hug filled with wishes of life and lost hope. 

"Im so sorry Tooru, Im sorry. This is all my fault." Oikawa's cold skin pressed against his, the lack of movement in his chest reminding Iwaizumi that he was gone. There was nothing he could do anymore. He was too late. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's a really short chapter to end it off,,

Its been two weeks since Oikawa died, Iwaizumi hasn't been back in ~~their~~ his house since. _Tell_ _me this is just a nightmare, please let it just be a dream._ Every morning since Oikawa's death Iwaizumi whispered those words to himself before he opened his eyes, hoping... praying that it was just his imagination. But every morning he woke up alone. Every single day he regretted not being there for him. How could he not blame himself? He was the one who didn't give Oikawa his pills. He was the one coming home late. It was all him. Some days Iwaizumi couldn't even get out of bed the blame, regret and heart crushing sadness trapping him. Although today he had to force himself up. He got a phone call from the Funeral Director saying there's a few things he had to come get that were in Oikawa's pockets. The past few days he'd be trying to get himself up so he can go get it but he'd get to the bedroom door and breakdown crying again. But today... today he was going to do it. He got up, got dressed and drove to the Funeral Directors shop. Just looking in the window nearly made him go back. He waited in the car for a while, readying himself. 

The tall black haired woman in a black suit walked him into her office, consoling him. 

"I'm sorry for your loss" Iwaizumi nodded his head in response. "There were a few things in Oikawa's pockets which i thought you may have wanted." Hearing his name made Iwaizumi's stomach drop. He hadn't heard it in so long, he hadn't said it in longer. The woman pulled a enevelope out of her draw and slid it over to him. "You can open it here, I'll give you some privacy or?" 

"I-I'll open it somewhere else...um thank you..." He stared down at the white envelope with his name scribbled on the front in Oikawa's handwriting. The woman nodded a goodbye as he left the shop. He walked along the pavement heading towards the central park looking for a bench that's far away from people. It didn't take long for him to find it, Iwaizumi sat down on the wouldn't bench and stared at the envelope in his hands. He slowly opened the flap and pulled out a letter. Inside the folded letter was a photo of him and Oikawa at last years pride. They looked so happy, He looked so happy. A giant smile was on Oikawa's face as Iwaizumi gave him a kiss on the cheek, his own cheeks blushing a crimson rose colour. Iwaizumi smiled for the first time in weeks. He remembered how Oikawa loved that photo, he always kept it with him in his wallet. Iwaizumi wiped away the single tear that escaped his eyes. He tucked the photo into his wallet and began to read the letter. 

_Hajime,_

_I'm sorry for what I have done. I'm sorry for saying goodbye before we could have started our family together. I'm sorry I've left you, with nothing but the memories me and you have made. The happy times, where our smiles shone brighter than the sun. The me in the photo I left with this, is the me i want you to remember. The me who loved you with all my heart, who would never have left you, the me who was happy. I never wanted it to be like this. But I wrote this because i knew someday it would all become too much for me. None of this is you're fault. Remember that. It isn't you're fault. It will never be you're fault. You're the only reason i stayed alive for so long._

_I love you Hajime._

_Now promise me you will let someone else see that beautiful smile that i fell in love with. You have the most amazing smile, don't keep it from the world.  Promise me that you'll let your heart love again. Fall in love with a wonderful man who cares for you as much as i do. Promise me you'll move on, always keep me in your heart but make room for someone else. Promise me that ending my life won't end yours._

_I love you Hajime. I'm sorry it had to end this way._

Iwaizumi folded the letter back up and let the tears fall down his face. His eyes glistening from the autumn sun's rays bouncing off the tears. The words Oikawa wrote running through his mind. He stayed on that bench for a long time crying and rereading the letter. He mumbled through the tears:

_"I promise i'll never forget you..."_


End file.
